| Type | Multi-Purpose Conning Enterprise |
| Location | Hooterville, The Valley |
| Owner(s) | Mr. Eustace Charleston Haney |
| Featured in | Green Acres |
- “Mr. Douglas: How is it that you always show up with just what I need? Mr. Haney: Well, let me put it another way... How is it you always need what I show up with?”
- ―An exchange between Mr. Haney and his top
suckercustomer, Mr. Douglas
Mr. Haney's Mercantile Company is a genuine and all-purpose scam operation mercantile enterprise dedicated to meeting every need for the inhabitants of the small underpopulated town of Hooterville. It is prominently featured in the 1965 comedy television series Green Acres, having appeared throughout the show's run as a frequent source of headaches for the setting's characters.
Overview[]
Haney's is your one-stop shop service for immediate convenience in Hooterville! It's renowned for its genuine-quality goods and services, which come with wildly fluctuating prices—guaranteed to both suit and infuriate customers, no matter the situation. And as for money-back guarantees? Well, you won’t find any here!
Mr. Haney proudly boasts that his goods and services are "genuine". But what does that even mean? Well, it could mean anything from a slightly used bronze harp to a vintage typewriter missing half its keys or even a self-destructing washing machine. You see, Mr. Haney believes in the art of surprise, and you don't get more genuine than with a good surprise! It's all part of the charm. And Haney's isn't an ordinary business, no sir, it's a symphony of oddities, a cacophony of bloated deals, and a ballet of bewildering business ventures that defy all rhyme and reason. So, if you need a tractor, some furniture, ejector seats, a leaky bathtub, or a talking horse (don't ask why), you know where to go to get it—right at the heart of Hooterville, orchestrating crazy scams and selling faulty quality goods since 1918!
Haney's Truck[]
While Mr. Haney organizes and documents his businesses from his own home and may use it for storage, the entirety of his company's genuine services are mostly run from Mr. Haney's personal and truck which is always fully stocked with anything and everything that Mr. Haney can put in there to ensure that he will have exactly what his customers may need (or think they need) and fleece them out of their hard-earned cash at a moment's notice wherever they may be, as Mr. Haney always knows exactly where and when a customer (or a sucker with plenty of cash) is in need of his unique brand of courteous salesmanship, for Mr. Haney is nothing if not provident.
Mr. Haney's fanciful truck is always well equipped for any situation, fitted with all sorts of built-in and collapsible features that will suit any particular service that Mr. Haney may be offering, with his truck carrying built-in and genuine cash registers, item shelves, display cases, clothing racks, extra passenger seats, animal cages, ejector seats, radar, flight capabilities, safes with pocket dimensions, seemingly infinite storage space and almost anything else that Mr. Haney can shove in there. However, the truck's most notable feature are its hundreds of assorted green window shades, each baring a different type of signage for each of Haney's businesses that fit any situation, no matter how bizarre.
Staff[]
Boss[]
Mr. Eustace Charleston Haney is the founder, president, and head honcho of his eponymous company and its many versatile subsidiaries, all of which he personally oversees. Mr. Haney is a smooth and conniving businessman with a "genuine" face and an endearing drawl. He is always on the lookout for new and opportunistic ways to make a quick buck, employing any means that come to mind. There is almost no scenario that Mr. Haney isn't ready to exploit for profit. You can always bet that he has exactly what you're looking for, whether you want it or not.
Mr. Haney has lived a long and ambitious life. Even from childhood, he was always a go-getter with an eye for business. At the tender age of 3, he ran away from home to become a traveling dicky salesman. Eventually, he secured a job at Dingwell's No Wilt Dickeys, with whom he still maintains business ties well into adulthood. They also played a pivotal role in setting him permanently on the path of the sly salesman.
Mr. Haney is a man of unyielding ambition, a tightrope walker between legality and audacity. There is no deal too grand, no product too rare, no scam too crooked that he won't stoop to find and conquer. His business acumen knows no bounds, spanning a kaleidoscope of ventures—whether it's selling furniture, orchestrating intercontinental travels, or dabbling in the murky realms of trafficking, theft, and extortion. Yes, sir, with Mr. Haney, any business is good business!
Employees[]
- Eb Dawson (former) - Mr. Haney's former lackey and farmhand until he sold the old Haney Place, leaving Eb unemployed until he was hired by Oliver Douglas after plenty of pleading from Eb.
- Mrs. Crugwell - The manager of Mr. Haney's genuine affiliate company Crugwell's of London who also handles his gift wrapping service for his Birthday Shoppy.
- Mr. Fred (former) - Mr. Haney's genuine talking horse! An intelligent and wise-cracking stallion who used to work for Mr. Haney until he sold Fred off to Mrs. Douglas for $100.00, a price which Mr. Fred resented, claiming to have once been a famous television star who used to earn far more than that for his role, until he lost all of his fortune betting on auto races. However, Mr. Fred changed his mind after seeing how lovely Mrs. Douglas was.
- Mr. Haney also irregularly employed many genuine individuals for his various services and demonstrations, however, most of these employees and associates were only employed sporadically or for short periods, and some were even his cousins.
Services & Subsidiaries[]
Mr. Haney, the illustrious proprietor and conductor of a symphony of services, presides over a veritable menagerie of subsidiary companies. These enterprises, like a well-stocked Swiss Army knife, cater to every conceivable need of the average consumer. Whether you're yearning for a solution, a diversion, or a swindle good deal, Haney’s got you covered.
The Haney Place[]
- Main article: Green Acres
| Type | Farm and Speakeasy |
| Location | Hooterville, The Valley |
| Owner(s) | Mr. Haney (formerly) |
| Featured in | Oliver Buys a Farm (S01E01, 1965) |
The Haney Place was Mr. Haney's former farmland and home until he sold it to a big city lawyer by the name of Oliver Wendell Douglas at a "steal" for only $600.00. The Haney Place had about 160 acres of genuine land, some parts of which were either unsuitable for growing anything or riddled with genuine weeds.
The only structures at the Haney Place were Mr. Haney's former house and barn, although the house was far from "eye-catching" to say the least, looking like a 200-year old condemned derelict that was borderline unlivable and some even believed it to be genuinely cursed or even alive due to its many strange peculiarities and constant attraction for genuine misfortune.
Considering the state of the home and farm, it's no wonder Mr. Haney sold it to the first sucker that came along, who unfortunately happened to be Mr. Douglas, who upon purchasing the land re-named it to Green Acres.
Prior to its usage as a farm by Mr. Haney, the Haney Place was originally a speakeasy reputable and genuine pharmaceutical service where one could purchase Mr. Haney's own genuine "patent medicine" during the prohibition.
Transcontinental Refrigerated Apple Trucking Company[]
| Type | Apple Delivery Company |
| Location | Mobile |
| Owner(s) | Mr. Haney |
| Featured in | The Price of Apples (S01E20, 1965) |
The Transcontinental Refrigerated Apple Trucking Company is Mr. Haney's own genuine apple distribution service and one of only two apple shippers in the Valley, and the best option for hasty farmers in need of an alternative from The Valley Trucking Company when they're too tied up.
For this service, Mr. Haney uses his own trustworthy truck which has been fully renovated with modern mobile refrigerating facilities powered by genuine and 100% all-natural ice cubes that operates on the ever reliable principle of "cold", and it don't get no colder than that.
To ensure safe delivers, the truck is fully equipped with numerous genuine safety devices befitting the marvels of modern transportation and ensure maximum safety, such as seat belts, individual windshield wipers, four-wheel breaks and a genuine radar installed into the roof of the truck that not only tells you where you are but also doubles as a fly swatter to keep the flies off of your fruit! And if you got too much traffic in your way, turn on the ol' radio transmitter, contact air traffic control and get ready for liftoff! Why it even has ejector seats! What more could you ask for in this gyroscopic combo?
Haney's Genuine Antiques[]
| Type | Antique Store |
| Location | Haney's House |
| Owner(s) | Mr. Haney |
| Featured in | A Pig in a Poke (S01E23, 1965) |
- “Mr. Douglas, how would you like to buy a genuine wormwood table? It's all handmade by genuine Peruvian worms!”
- ―Mr. Haney
Haney's Genuine Antiques is Mr. Haney's own antique store operated from the comfort of his own home which also acts as his warehouse. It is here where many of his prized and aged wonders are kept, and one can be sure to find genuine antiques with long and rich histories here that will last a lifetime (or at least until a deal is made).
Products[]
All the marvelous antiques sold here are 100% genuine in not just their authenticity but in the rich history they carry that was absolutely not made up by Mr. Haney on the fly, for his word is his bond... surely.
- Genuine Wormwood Table - Made by genuine Peruvian worms and not by hammering holes into an old table, no sir.
- Giant Egg Slicer - The biggest egg slicer in the world and it even doubles as a harp to boot (because it is). Made personal by Horace Eggslicer himself.
- Genuine Antique Rocking Chair - This comfortable and well-aged piece of furniture is not only a piece of fine decor but it carries a rich history to it, being sat on by the genuine tuchus of Whistler's mother herself. A steal at only $145.
- Duncan P-Phyfe Sofa - A prized memento purportedly made by master cabinetmaker Duncan Phyfe himself.
- Assorted statues - To make your home feel like a genuine museum.
Haney's Right Brothers Airplane Service[]
| Type | Airplane Service |
| Location | Right Brothers House, Hooterville |
| Owner(s) | Mr. Haney (current) Orson & Wilfred Right (formerly) |
| Featured in | Wings Over Hooterville (S02E01, 1966) |
The Haney's Right Brothers Airplane Service is Hooterville's sole and once thriving airplane and crop-dusting service once owned by the noteworthy Orson & Wilfred Right aka the Right Bros., at least until Mr. Haney swooped in and bought them out lock, stock, and "airyplane." This strategic takeover expanded the already extensive list of Haney-owned subsidiaries, all part of a clever ploy to "service" Mr. Douglas out of his hard-earned cash.
The service boasts an eclectic assortment of genuine classic planes, most of which have long since become outdated gliders. However, amidst this nostalgic collection of junk-heaps, there stands one modern gem: the illustrious "Kitty Hawk." Once maintained by the Right Brothers themselves and named after their dear Ma (her maiden name was "Hawk" for those curious) and it can be readily equipped with crop-dusting equipment for infestation emergencies.
Alas, since Mr. Haney's acquisition, a curious predicament has arisen: no qualified pilots remain. His license, you see, extends only to dirigibles. Consequently, any intrepid customers seeking to rent a plane must take the controls themselves—a daring proposition indeed.
But wait, there’s more! Beyond the rental fee, patrons can also secure a pair of genuine flight goggles for a mere $2. For those with a taste for vintage Hollywood glamour, a genuine aviator's white silk scarf, once graced by Richard Arlen during the filming of the 1927 drama Wings, can also be yours for an additional 50 cents. And fear not—the availability of parachutes ensures a soft landing, though Haney's Right Brothers A.S. absolves itself of any parachute-related mishaps post-payment.
Haney's Chicken Watching Service[]
| Type | Chicken Security Service |
| Location | Mobile (Mr. Douglas's dream?) |
| Owner(s) | Mr. Haney |
| Featured in | A Square Is Not Round (S02E12, 1966) |
- “To this day, I can't look at a de-feathered chicken without thinking of my wife.”
- ―Mr. Haney
Haney's Chicken Watching Service is a peculiarity among Haney’s businesses since, as far as anyone knows, it may not even exist—having been witnessed only by Mr. Douglas during a strange and vivid dream. Whether or not it was a dream remains a matter of further confusing debate, especially when one considers the already bizarre nature of Hooterville itself.
From Mr. Douglas’s peculiar dream, we glean that this service monitors and studies peculiar chicken behavior for its customers. For instance, it investigates the strange occurrence of chickens laying atypical eggs, such as chickens that lay duck eggs or chickens that lay square-shaped eggs.
According to Mr. Haney himself (or perhaps his dream self?), the service has yielded many great results for satisfied customers. One customer expressed gratitude for Haney's assistance in identifying which of his chickens were laying duck eggs. Another testimonial came from the customer's brother, who thanked Haney for helping him discover the duck that was laying chicken eggs. If you're still not convinced, then the service will... um... Okay we got nothing. Would you care to buy a slightly used toaster instead? It toasts on command after you say #3!
Haney's Curbside Birthday Shoppy[]
| Type | Gift Shop |
| Location | Mobile |
| Owner(s) | Mr. Haney |
| Featured in | The Birthday Gift (S04E13, 1969) |
Haney's Curbside Birthday Shoppy is Mr. Haney’s own birthday-themed gift shop, operated from his truck. However, the actual service is offered through the "shoppy’s" affiliate company, Crugwell's of London—a genuine foreign department store that exists within a special security safe in the back of Mr. Haney’s truck. Here, Mr. Haney keeps all of Crugwell's merchandise, department aisles, and employees using mysterious, logic-defying methods, all for the convenience of his customers in mind.
The Birthday Shoppy serves as the ideal one-stop shop, meeting all your birthday needs at ridiculously unbelievable prices, complete with genuine gift-wrapping services.
The reason for the store's unique spelling of "shoppy" is attributed to the claims by the "man of the world" himself, Mr. Haney. According to him, it represents the original "English pronunciation," out of respect for the company's Crugwell affiliates.
Products[]
- The "Hope" Diamond - A genuine diamond necklace purportedly owned by famed comedian and entertainer Bob Hope.
Haney's Chicken Raising Equipment Company[]
| Type | Agricultural Company |
| Location | Mobile |
| Owner(s) | Mr. Haney |
| Featured in | Everywhere a Chick Chick (S04E14, 1969) |
Haney's Chicken Raising Equipment Company supplies customers with all the essentials needed to start their own genuine chicken farms and Mr. Haney's patented "Haney Chicken Raising Kit" has everything an up-and-coming chicken farmer requires, and it's a steal at only $50!
The company also proudly holds membership in the Fryers Club!
The Egg-Making Team[]
The company boasts the finest egg-making team on the market: Raul & Vera. These genuine chicken idols were once stars of the ice skating troupe "Chuckawalla’s Chickens". Their fame even earned them a spot on The Ed Sullivan Show. Unfortunately, Vera's career took a tumble when she injured her leg during her Sonja Henie act and she was never able to skate again. But fear not—she mastered the piano during her downtime!
The Haney Egg-Laying Inducing Machine[]
Behold, The Haney Egg-Laying Inducing Machine—the crème de la crème of genuine egg production devices, protected by Patent #165437284-8. When the Patent Office witnessed its technical marvels, their response was succinct: "We don’t believe it." This contraption operates on the principle of "no work, no eats." If a chicken doesn't lay eggs, she don't get any vittles.
Here’s how it works: Vera the hen (aka the “layee”) perches atop the machine in its cage unit. When she lays an egg, it descends through a funnel beneath the cage, gliding down a series of troughs. The egg is meticulously sized and candled while still in motion. As it reaches the bottom, a special lever triggers a bell—a signal for her partner, Raul. He deftly pulls a string at the top of the machine, opening a feed bin attached to the cage. Chicken feed then cascades into Vera's can. And so begins a cycle that drives home the message: "Lay eggs, get food!" At least when Raul isn't dropping the seeds all willy-nilly.
Haney's Agricultural Inspection Station[]
| Type | Agricultural Inspection |
| Location | Mobile |
| Owner(s) | Mr. Haney |
| Featured in | Retreat from Washington (S04E20, 1969) |
Haney's Agricultural Inspection Station is supposedly a "genuine" affiliate of Hooterville's Department of Agriculture, granting Mr. Haney the so-called authority to guard the borders of Hooterville and enforce laws on the department's behalf. Their mission? To "protect" local crops from voracious and invasive little crop munchers—such as the nefarious "Brazilian Tick Worm."
Now, let's delve into the quirky details:
- Tick Worm Inspections: The truck-based station diligently inspects anyone who has been outside the state for more than 24 hours. Why? To ensure they're tick worm-free, of course! Rubber plants and imitation potted ivy? Sorry, barred entry during tick worm plagues. And yes, citizens are obliged to undergo a complete and genuine nude body search. Those little buggers are crafty—they get everywhere! Oh, and don't forget the $6 re-entry fee. It's like a VIP pass to tick worm-free Hooterville.
- The Real Deal: But here's the twist: The station isn't really about tick worms or enforcing the law. Nope. It's Mr. Haney's genuine stalling service. Much like with his "Bridge Washed Out" blockade scam, Mr. Haney uses his "station" to stall or keep out anyone whose homes he may or may not have taken advantage of as affordable inns while the homeowners were out of town. You see, Mr. Haney's got priorities: first, to give the lodgers time to vacate the premises before the homeowners arrive; second, the tick worm charade to stall the homeowners before they figure anything out. It's all about priorities, folks!
So next time you pass through Hooterville, tip your hat to Haney and his Agricultural Inspection Station. He's doing his part to keep tick worms at bay—and maybe, just maybe, overseeing a "home renovation project".
Haney's Mobile General Store[]
| Type | General Store |
| Location | Mobile |
| Owner(s) | Mr. Haney |
| Featured in | The Special Delivery Letter (S05E09, 1969) |
- “Sam Drucker: Haney, how many times have I told you not to park in front of my store and cut into my business? Mr. Haney: Sam, I only open my store when yours is closed! Sam Drucker: I'm open! Mr. Haney: Then I'm closed...”
- ―A usual exchange between Haney and Drucker on their competing businesses
Haney's Mobile General Store is Mr. Haney's own genuine mobile general store for the community of Hooterville as an alternative to Sam Drucker's General Store, which Haney only ever opens whenever Drucker's store is closed, a fact which greatly irritates Mr. Drucker. It is operated from his pickup truck, is fully stocked and even comes with its own built-in cash register for immediate purchases.
The store also serves as an information booth with speedy and genuine answers guaranteed, but each question will cost customers 15 cents, although secondhand questions asked for a third party will only cost 10 cents. However, questions are free for women, but only on Lady's Day.
Products[]
- Japanese Opera Glasses - These fine optical magnification devices are said to have been made exclusively for the Emperor of Japan himself to watch genuine Japanese operas with. Per Mr. Haney's ever-so trustworthy business policy regarding foreign goods, the price on these "rare" glasses will vary depending on fluctuating market exchange rates, with the normal price being ¥47 (yen), which by Mr. Haney's own dubious calculation is equivalent to $47. The glasses are also available for rent at only ¥5 an hour, which Haney determines to be equivalent to $62. Although a quarter for them is also acceptable.
- Professional Lockpicking Kit - The perfect handy tool for any would-be thief or snoop looking to enter a building for whatever reason they might have, no questions asked. It even bears the genuine "Good House Breakin'" seal of approval.
- Patented Window Smasher - Another handy tool from the Haney line of home invasion equipment. This sturdy and eloquently designed brick made of genuine varve clay can help any eager perp smash their way into any business at a moment's notice. This fine model is even endorsed by the F.B.I. (The Federal Burglar's Institution)! A simple demonstration of its effectiveness will only cost $10. Mr. Haney is not responsible for any crimes committed with his goods.
Affiliates[]
Hooterville Volunteer Fire Department[]
Mr. Haney serves as a member of the Hooterville Volunteer Fire Department, supplying the department with some of its genuine firefighting equipment and even allowing the use of his truck as the fire department's official fire truck, at least that was the case until the fire department's chief Joe Carson fleeced an actual fire truck from the Fire Administration.
Dingwell's No Wilt Dickeys[]
- Main article: Dingwell's No Wilt Dickeys
Dingwell's No Wilt Dickeys was where Mr. Haney got his childhood start in business and he continues to maintain financial ties with his former mentor's business.
Crugwell's of London[]
- Main article: Crugwell's of London
Mr. Haney's foreign affiliate company. Crugwell's of London is a department store that acts as the main supplier for his Curbside Birthday Shoppy.
Appearances[]
- Green Acres (1965)
- Petticoat Junction (1963)
- The Hooterville Handbook: A Viewer's Guide To Green Acres (1993)
Trivia[]
- Mr. Haney's truck was a genuine 1924 Dodge Brothers Four [series 116]. Originally a touring car which was converted into a truck for the show.
- Mr. Haney and his company may have been inspired by the character of Available Jones and his general store enterprise from the newspaper cartoon Li'l Abner by Al Capp, who much like Mr. Haney offered almost every convenience service and product imaginable.
- Unlike Sam Drucker and his store, Haney and his businesses only made three appearances on Petticoat Junction and he never made a single appearance on Beverly Hillbillies.
- Mr. Fred is a pastiche of the 1961 television series Mister Ed and its titular talking horse.
See Also[]
- Dingwell's No Wilt Dickeys
- Crugwell's of London
- Sam Drucker's General Store
- Green Acres
- Shady Rest Hotel
- Monroe Brothers Carpentry
- O'Donnel's Supermarket
- C&FW Railroad
- Clampett Oil