Cosmo's Korner

Type

Illegitimate General Store and Multi-Faceted Enterprise

Location

Cosmo's bunk, Camp Swampy

Owner(s)

Private John D. Cosmo

Featured in

Beetle Bailey

“A to Z. We have it!”

―The Cosmo's Korner slogan

Cosmo's Korner (aka Cosmo's Corner, Cosmo's Discount Korner, Honest Cosmo's, Cosmotown or simply Cosmo's) is an illegitimate general goods store and the overall enterprise of the unscrupulous entrepreneur and soldier, Private John D. Cosmo of Camp Swampy. It is featured in the 1950 comic strip series Beetle Bailey by Mort Walker, with Cosmo and his shady dealings having first appeared in the strip from October 12, 1953 while Cosmo's Korner itself was established in the strip from May 17, 1956, and since then serving as the most recurring business in the strip's history.

Overview[]

Cosmo's Korner is the rather dubious and morally questionable business run by Private Cosmo in the corner of Camp Swampy's barracks right where his bed and personal storage is kept. From here, Cosmo meets the needs for all of Camp Swampy's troops, selling everything imaginable from A to Z and even putting the camp's own supply rooms to shame, a fact which Cosmo prides himself on and openly mocks the supply rooms' lack of equipment with great glee as it just means more profits for his own store. Cosmo also manages several unique services for those in Camp Swampy who have a hard time getting permission to go into town, as Cosmo arranges gambling events, bingo nights, loan services, and he even acts as a dating agency.

Honest Cosmo's — An ordinary day at Cosmo's Korner as Cosmo swindles his fellow soldiers

Cosmo's Korner is not above dealing in illegal goods, selling such things as weapons, counterfeit goods and even official army equipment, some of which Cosmo himself "salvaged" from the camp's supply rooms and resold it at lower prices. Normally, Cosmo's business, along with his habit of manipulating camp funds and constantly jilting others of their money, is rarely tolerated by camp superiors who usually try to put a stop to Cosmo's Korner, only for Cosmo to "persuade" them to look the other way by presenting them with a new rare item he has in stock or promising to cancel any debts his superiors have, as almost everyone in Camp Swampy has borrowed money from Cosmo on at least one occasion.

Cosmo's financial and administrative influence over the camp even extends to General Halftrack himself, due to both debt issues and Cosmo's natural talent for getting others out of almost any problem for the right price.

Staff[]

Proprietor[]

“All that fuss over a lousy two-grand.”

―John D. Cosmo

Private John D. Cosmo is the enterprising and opportunistic proprietor of Cosmo's Korner and a natural born conman who is always looking for new and creative ways to fleece those around him out of their hard-earned cash either through selling them legitimate or stolen goods or by swindling them in fixed poker games.

John D. Cosmo was originally an uptown denizen from the big apple and the spoiled heir of the very wealthy Cosmo family who was used to living surrounded by luxury and the loud noises of the big city. For whatever reason though, likely as to instill discipline in him, Cosmo was forced to join the army and on that fateful day he was stationed at Camp Swampy, where he became fast friends with those around him due to both his talent for arranging poker games and his initial generosity before realizing there was money to be made at Camp Swampy.

Cosmo's first days at the camp were marked by his inability to adjust to military life, with Cosmo usually treating the camp as if it were a hotel and generously tipping his fellow soldiers who he assumed to be bellhops. To add to this, whenever he need rest or sleep, the only way he could relax was with loud noises, having all the lights on and breathing in exhaust, services which he would pay his fellow soldiers to carry out, much to the chagrin of his superiors, but Cosmo was usually able to get around this with a few bribes or simply using his natural charisma to get his way.

Things only grew more troublesome when Cosmo realized how many of his new comrades were in fact gullible suckers, including his superiors, and that the camp's supply rooms were woefully understocked, and realizing there was a profit to be had, Cosmo set up Camp Swampy's first general store "Cosmo's Korner" right from the comfort of his bunk, and from then on he has been able to sell or swindle just about everyone in camp, always getting his way and very few are ever able to outsmart the camp's most clever and smooth-talking entrepreneur.

Associates & Suckers[]

Private Beetle[]

Private Carl James "Beetle" Bailey is the most notorious and laziest soldier in all of Camp Swampy and a frequent slacker who would rather sleep in a trash can than do exercise or any kind of physical labor, with KP and Sgt. Snorkel's drills being his most hated activities. In fact, the only reason he even joined the army was so he could have an excuse to drop out of Rockview University.

Private Beetle is one of Cosmo's most relied upon associates and suckers, with Beetle occasionally acting as a stooge or stand-in for whenever Cosmo needs someone to endure some abuse on his behalf, or Beetle assisting Cosmo with a chore or task for a tip, or simply being one of Cosmo's most trusting and regular customers, with Beetle often buying comics, pillows, or novelty items from Cosmo, or anything that he can use to get out of doing work. He is also a regular player in many of Cosmo's gambling events and usually loses his money in the process.

Private Zero[]

Private Zero is a simple but kind-hearted farmboy and likely Camp Swampy's least intelligent soldier after Sgt. Snorkel, with Zero often taking anything said to him way too literally or misinterpreting it in ways that lead to all sorts of problems, but nonetheless, he is regarded as the camp's kindest soldier and has a special affinity for animals and his friends, with the only thing he can't stand being coyotes due to his experience with them on the farm.

Private Zero is frequently the target of many of Cosmo's schemes due to his natural gullibility, with Cosmo usually getting Zero to buy relatively useless items from him for a dollar or paying Zero chump change to carry out errands for him, such as KP duty. Cosmo has even sold Zero one share of his dubious oil company, Rock Bottom Oil. Zero also used to play in Cosmo's poker games, but only for fun, but dropped out of them as Cosmo played only to win.

Private Killer[]

Private "Killer" Diller is Camp Swampy's most infamous playboy and skirt-chaser who almost always has his mind set on girls and dates, even while on duty, eating, playing or even sleeping. Even his bunk and its surrounding walls are decorated with pictures of pin-up girls and statuettes of models and whenever in town, he is usually either on a date or looking to get a date.

Because of his girl-crazed nature, Killer is one of Cosmo's best customers for his date bureau, with Cosmo setting Killer up with all sorts of blind dates or even composing love letters to be sent to any girl he has his eye on, although some dates may not go as planned. Cosmo also supplies Killer with many of the pin-up girl posters, calendars, statuettes and related items in his collection. He is also one of Cosmo's frequent players in his gambling events, often playing poker or craps with his fellow soldiers only to lose the hardest.

Private Rocky[]

Private Rocky is Camp Swampy's own tough guy and "rebel-without-a-clue" who has very suspicious criminal past, supposedly having been a "used car" dealer who dealt in stolen cars and was even a member of a notorious biker gang, leading Rocky to be rather anti-social, but he does in fact wish to make friends and tries to clean up his image either by playing music for others or serving as editor for the Camp Swampy Muckateer newspaper.

Private Rocky is probably the only regular customer at Cosmo's Korner who Cosmo isn't able to scam easily, due to both his street smarts and his violent temper, with Rocky even on one occasion wanting to try out a bat Cosmo had on sell by threatening to bludgeon and rob Cosmo on the spot, a try out that left Cosmo in shambles. It is also because of Rocky that Cosmo felt the need to use Ed the Enforcer to threaten Rocky into paying his loans on time.

Private Plato[]

Private Plato is Camp Swampy's resident intellectual and an old friend of Beetle's from his time at Rockview University, although unlike Beetle, Plato actually graduated and proceeded to enlist in the army soon after where he offers his philosophical wisdom to his fellow soldiers in times where things get too crazy.

Private Plato is one of the few soldiers whom Cosmo cannot easily fool or scam due to his higher intelligence, but he will still buy any good Cosmo has on sale that is actually of worthwhile quality. Plato also recognizes that Cosmo is financially savvy and goes to him for advice on investments, however this will not stop Cosmo from trying to trick Plato into entrusting his money to him for gambling.

Sergeant Snorkel[]

Sergeant 1st Class Orville P. Snorkel is Camp Swampy's infamous platoon sergeant who oversees the training for all of the camp's undisciplined and hapless privates, but mainly Private Beetle who is his frequent adversary yet at the same time one of his closest friends, for although Sgt. Snorkel is feared and mocked by those around him for both his temper and low intellect, at the same time his subordinates do care about him and vice versa, with Snorkel considering himself something of an obnoxious big brother to his troops.

Due to his insecurity and simpleton nature, Snorkel is one of Cosmo's most frequent targets, especially since getting his way with Snorkel means less work for Cosmo himself, with Cosmo often bribing Snorkel with discounts at his store so Snorkel will turn a blind eye to his business, a task made all the more easy by Snorkel loving almost everything Cosmo ever has in stock, particularly jackknives and awfully tacky clothing. Cosmo will even carry out some of Snorkel's duties for a few dollars, like handling the roll call. Snorkel is also heavily in debt to Cosmo due to frequently asking him for loans, and possibly because of this, Sarge has even allowed Cosmo to copyright some of his unique profanity. Both Snorkel and his trustee dog Otto also tend to buy their beer from Cosmo as well as snacks for whenever Snorkel's bottomless appetite demands a little extra.

Mess Sergeant Cookie[]

Mess Sergeant Cornelius "Cookie" Jowls is the head of Camp Swampy's own unhygienic mess hall who handles the preparation of all of the camp's daily meals, most of which are terrible or completely inedible, with his most vile and hated dishes being his rancid meat stews or signature meatballs that are about as rubbery and bouncy as squeaky toys. Cookie will not even bother to wash up or even cease smoking while cooking, sometimes even doing so naked, resulting in his food being littered with grime, ash, sweat or even his own body hair. In fact, the only person who can tolerate Cookie's horrible cooking on a regular basis is the living garbage disposal, Sgt. Snorkel himself.

Although Cookie is without a doubt an awful cook, he actually can cook a great meal if he feels like it, but the only people he will cook excellent meals for are either General Halftrack or Cosmo himself, with Cosmo often bribing Cookie with tips or "lettuce" sandwiches filled with dollars to entice Cookie into making special meals and seconds if Cosmo so wishes.

General Halftrack[]

Brigadier General Amos T. Halftrack is the incompetent top commanding officer of Camp Swampy and its oldest and most inept drunk of a general whose management of the camp is so terribly handled that it results in the whole place being filled with its unique and colorful array of undisciplined and lax soldiers who are usually free to do as they wish so long as they can bamboozle Halftrack or his staff of almost equally inept top officers, a task which is made all the more easy by Halftrack's absent-mindedness, his gullibility, his drinking habits, and his wandering eyes which are usually fixated on his secretary and Beetle's girlfriend, Miss Buxley.

Because of Halftrack's terrible ineptitude, Cosmo practically has Halftrack eating out of the palm of his hand and Halftrack can even be seen occasionally visiting Cosmo's Korner, often asking Cosmo himself for advice on how to run the camp or his finances, leading some to wonder if Cosmo is the one really running Camp Swampy.

Augmont[]

Cosmo also has a special contact in Washington, a fellow by the name of Augmont who Cosmo claims works high in the capital and is far above any senator in the Capitol Building.

In truth though, Augmont is just a painter who is charged with repainting the Capitol Building now and then.

Ed the Enforcer[]

Ed the Enforcer is a new and brutish Camp Swampy recruit who was hired by Cosmo to serve as his personal enforcer and bodyguard at Cosmo's Korner.

Ed's main job is to stand behind Cosmo and intimidate his clients to ensure that they do not welch on their debts, as well as provide security for Cosmo's Korners, tasks that are made easy by Ed's tall and powerful appearance, which seems to surpass even that of Sgt. Snorkel. Notably, Ed was first used to intimidate Private Rocky, who Cosmo has had difficulties with before due to his criminal history.

Camp Swampy as a Whole[]

Cosmo's Korner - Camp Swampy — Cosmo celebrating Beetle's birthday with the rest of **Camp Swampy**

Overall, Cosmo has almost everyone in Camp Swampy in his pocket, in debt to him, or wrapped up in his card games, with the exception of the camp's female officers and Chaplain Stainglass, and can get almost everyone to do what he wants or submit to his crooked prices, and Cosmo is not even above mocking or pilfering goods from the camp's supply rooms.

All in all though, even if Cosmo rarely shows it, he does in fact care about Camp Swampy and his fellow soldiers, considering them all friends (as well as suckers) and will usually do his part to help them out, even if for a price. He will even happily spend time with them or even generously give out tips or financial advice for no real reason or after a heartfelt chat with Stainglass or Beetle.

Inventory[]

Cosmo's Korner - 25% off — Some of Cosmo's goods, and at 25% off

Actress Statuettes - Price: $5.00
Apples - Price: 5¢
Balloons
Baseball Bats - Price: $3.00
Baseball Gloves
Baseballs
Bavarian Chocolates
Beanie Caps
Beer
Binoculars - Price: $22.00
Books and Magazines - Used. Price: 5¢
Bugles - Price: $12.50
Cameras - Price: $79.50
Candy
Canned Goods
Cigars
Civilian Clothes
Coffee
Cola - Price: 10 to 25¢
Comic Books - Used. Price: 7¢
Corncob Pipes
Cowboy Hats
Crutches
Dartboards
Footballs
Gun Holsters
Hair Combs
Helmets
Home Decorating Books
Hunting Knives
Jackknives - Price: $4.98
Jewelry
Magazines
Movie Cameras
Pencils - Price: 5¢
Pinup Girl Calendars
Pocketknives
Postcards
Radios
Record Albums - Price: $5.95
Rings
Screen Doors - Broken. Price: $3.98
Skiing Equipment
Telescopes
Tennis Balls
Tennis Rackets - Price: $10.00
Towels
Toys - Price: $5.00
Wristwatches - Price: $10.00
Totally not stolen furniture, golf clubs, bicycles, army uniforms, army equipment, etc., etc.
Four-Leaf Clovers
Wishbones
Factory Reconditioned Rabbits Feet
"IT" - The thinking man's lucky horseshoe that has been slightly magnetized to form an invisible shield between the user and bad luck. Price: $5.00

Services & Hustles[]

Cosmo's Gambling Racket[]

Cosmo's Korner - Gambling Racket — Poker, the cornerstone of **Cosmo's Gambling Racket**

Cosmo's Gambling Racket is the primary and most lucrative mainstay of Cosmo's entire financial enterprise at Camp Swampy, with Cosmo hosting many gambling events on a weekly or nightly basis in which he easily swindles his comrades out of all of their hard-earned paychecks.

Cosmo hosts a variety of games, some of which include roulette tables, craps, blackjack, baccarat, and the most common of all, poker, all of which are games that Cosmo easily dominates thanks to his years of experience, as well as his frequent habit of cheating, allowing him to beat just about everyone in camp and cheating them out of everything they have, right down to winning the clothes off their backs. Some of the troops though will openly call Cosmo out for it, forcing him to drop any cards he may be hiding in his sleeves, and Cosmo does still play fair games most of the time.

The targets of his gambling games are not just limited to soldiers of his own rank, but even some of his superiors, and when they lose, this naturally gives Cosmo a bit of control over them as they find themselves in debt to Cosmo or forced to agree to one of his money lending deals.

Cosmo's E-Z Loans[]

Cosmo's E-Z Loans is Camp Swampy's illegitimate money-lending service and one of Cosmo's most dubious of scams which he mainly uses to swindle his fellow soldiers so they end up paying ridiculously high interest rates, and many often find themselves being forced to rely on the service whenever they are unable to pay up for their losses after one of Cosmo's poker games.

Almost everyone in Camp Swampy owes Cosmo money for one reason or another, and even high-ranking officials within Camp Swampy are heavily in debt to him, which grants Cosmo a heavy degree of control over the camp as the top brass is too ashamed to go against him as to avoid having to admit or have Cosmo reveal about their shameful dependence on Cosmo's financial assistance.

Cosmo's Date Bureau[]

Cosmo runs Camp Swampy's "official" Date Bureau and will offer to help his fellow soldiers out in finding dates for whenever they're allowed a pass to go into town (for the right price of $5).

Although Cosmo is an effective date planner, the girls the soldiers are set up with, and vice versa, are usually blind dates and may not live up to Cosmo's descriptions, with either the soldiers or the girls coming back disappointed, especially if the date happens to be the loudmouthed Sgt. Snorkel.

As part of this business, Cosmo also offers a 'Love Letter Writing Service' where he will write professionally written romantic poetry for his customers and have them delivered to their desired love interest for a fee of 25¢. He will also write letters for loved ones his customers may have back home.

Cosmo's Laundry Service[]

Cosmo runs his own laundromat from his signature corner and charges 25¢ per wash.

Originally, Cosmo's first attempt at starting a laundry business was less than satisfactory and was clearly ill-prepared for the job at the time, as when he first offered to wash the clothes of his fellow soldiers, he tried to have their clothes washed quickly in the mess hall's mixing machine. Suffice it to say, the results were disastrous and the clothes left in his care ended up as tangled and shredded messes, forcing him to give refunds.

Following this disastrous experience and the full establishment and ensuing success of Cosmo's Korner, Cosmo purchase a real washing machine and had it installed next to his bunk, allowing him to provide more professional laundry services.

1-800-Florals[]

Cosmo maintains a lucrative sponsorship deal with a local Hurleyburg flower arranging business called 1-800-Florals that provides not only lovely flowers but also effective and very popular camouflage outfits for military missions and training drills.

As part of their deal, Cosmo receives his own custom flower camouflage and in exchange he acts as the official promoter for their business over at Camp Swampy.

Bingo Nights[]

Cosmo's Korner - Bingo Night — An advertisement for Cosmo's **Bingo Night**

Cosmo's Korner hosts its own Bingo Night in bunker 13 from Monday to Thursday starting at 9 p.m. where prizes are likely offered, but as with most of Cosmo's ventures, the Bingo Night games likely have some sort of catch or scam involved in them.

Though rarely seen, Cosmo often advertises his Bingo Nights in his bunk/corner with several signs simply announcing the Bingo Nights along with the time they will be taking place.

Cosmo's Six-Piece Orchestra[]

Cosmo's Six-Piece Orchestra provides live musical performances at Camp Swampy's own theater hall with a wide range of instruments among its band, which in truth is made up solely of Cosmo himself as one of his more "creative" scams, with Cosmo serving as a one man band sporting a trumpet, a harmonica, a guitar, a bugle and cowbell tied to a bass drum, knee cymbals and a shoehorn.

Cosmo seemingly made this business on the fly after having apparently lost the camp's funds for an actual band in a dice game or simply having pocketed the money for himself.

Pencil Sharpening[]

At the foot of his bed, Cosmo hangs a simple hand-cranked pencil sharpener with which he will offer his Pencil Sharpening services to his fellow soldiers for a modest 5¢ fee per pencil.

New pencils though will cost an additional 5¢.

Rock Bottom Oil Co.[]

The Rock Bottom Oil Co. is a dubious petroleum company of which Cosmo is the majority shareholder, although whether the company actually exists or is part of a larger corporate scam is anyone's guess.

Private Cosmo, in a suspiciously rare moment of questionable consideration, once approached Private Zero and claimed that he wanted to "help" his fellow private out by helping him aspire to be something more than just a simple soldier his entire life by selling a share in his Rock Bottom Oil Co., specifically one dollar for one share, an offer which Zero enthusiastically accepted, now believing himself to be a proper capitalist.

Other Services & Scams[]

Shoe Shines - Only 25¢ per shine.

Stockbroker

Victim Stand-Ins

Locksmithing

Fortune Telling

Snack Consultant

Jump Insurance

Bivouac Condos Real Estate

Trivia[]

Cosmo's Korner along with Cosmo himself are based on J.J. Sefton and his illegitimate general store from the 1953 movie Stalag-17 which debuted just four months prior to Cosmo's debut.
In the decades following Cosmo's debut, he would be depicted as being involved with or investing in whatever financial trend was relevant in any given decade the comic ran in, such as oil, real estate, corporate stocks, insider trading, junk bonds, the dot-com boom, and even cryptocurrencies and NFTs.