| Type | Multifaceted Corporation |
| Location | Brawndo Corporation HQ, Uhmerica |
| Owner(s) | Brawndo CEO |
| Featured in | Idiocracy (2006) |
- “The thirst mutilator!”
- ―Brawndo slogan
The Brawndo Corporation was the producer of its world's most popular sports drink in the year 2505, the electrolyte-enriched beverage, Brawndo. It is prominently featured in the 2006 comedy sci-fi film, Idiocracy.
Overview[]
Brawndo is the #1 sports drink of the 26th Century, jam packed with life-giving electrolytes beloved by everyone the world over, so much so that the Brawndo Corporation did everything in its power to prove to the world that Brawndo was the ideal replacement for water, thus supplying delicious Brawndo for all people, animals and plants! Yet for reasons that defy the greatest minds of the 26th Century, plants now refuse to grow despite Brawndo having what plants crave! How could this happen?!
History[]
In the dystopian future of 2330, as human stupidity reaches new lows and an economy-shattering budget crisis begins to take hold, the Brawndo Corporation stands firm as the world's leading and most profitable beverage supplier. However, water, the basic component of all life, is seen as a threat to Brawndo's ever growing profit margin. This would lead to a pivotal moment during the peak of the budget crisis as governments become desperate in the wake of financial ruin, with the Brawndo Corporation taking the unprecedented step of purchasing the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), the Federal Communications Commission (FCC), and the entire Department of Agriculture.
The Brawndo Food Pyramid
With these acquisitions, the Brawndo Corporation gains the power to say, do, and sell anything they want, with their first action being the complete and total replacement of water with the world's most beloved sports drink, Brawndo, with Brawndo now being distributed to all markets as the sole replacement for water in all human consumption and even as the sole drink for animal life, and to take it a step further, Brawndo was to now be used to irrigate all crops under the new marketing taglines: "Brawndo: It's Got What Plants Crave!" and "Brawndo: It's Got What Cows Crave!"
The CEO of the Brawndo Corporation, circa 2505
This decision, however, led to an unexpected and shocking outcome: crops refused to grow when irrigated with Brawndo, leading to a global food shortage that left the most brilliant minds of the 26th Century completely baffled as the world's ecosystem began to collapse alongside society as common sense, government and infrastructure fell to idiotic new lows. But on the bright side, the Brawndo Corporation was doing better than ever!
Unfortunately for Brawndo, but fortunately for the world, Joe Bauers, a traveler from the distant past who had been preserved in suspended animation for 500 years, awakens from his long slumber to the world ruled by Brawndo. With his revolutionary and controversial insight from the age of the not-so-stupid, he is able to slowly convince the reluctant inhabitants of the future to stop using Brawndo for their crops and re-educate them on the effectiveness of water, thus restoring the long lost art of farming, putting the Brawndo Corporation out of business, and bringing back some semblance of common sense to the age of idiocracy.
Holdings[]
Brawndo Inc.'s Food and Drug Administration[]
Brawndo Inc.'s Food and Drug Administration
Following Brawndo Inc.'s conquests of the Food and Drug Administration, they were granted unchecked power over all aspects of the water and agricultural industries.
"Brawndo! It's got what plants crave!"
One of the most prominent changes enacted by Brawndo was the complete substitution of water with Brawndo for irrigation purposes, with this changed having extended to both human and livestock consumption, with what were once water towers, reserves and troughs becoming solely filled with nothing but gallons of the omnipresent sports drink.
"Brawndo! It's got what cows and plants crave!"
While Brawndo was advertised as replenishing electrolytes and being what both humans, animals and even plants craved, it lacked the vital properties of water, leading to widespread health problems within the populace and a further decline in overall intelligence of what was already an increasingly dumb society. Even the food pyramid was subjected to steady changes as Brawndo's dominance grew, with all basic food groups eventually replaced with Brawndo and all nutritional value disappearing.
To make matters worse, plant life slowly died out due to water deprivation and the high salt content of the beverage contaminating the soil over generations. This, in turn, led to a near-collapse of global food supplies as Brawndo-contaminated soil renders it infertile. This situation created a vicious cycle as the unhealthy Brawndo-drinking population was further weakened by a lack of nutritious food, now subsisting almost entirely on junk foods, Brawndo and beer to survive.
Brawndo Communications Commission[]
Brawndo Communications Commission
To ensure that their new dominance over the water and agricultural industries remained unimpeded, the Brawndo Corporation orchestrated a complete takeover of the FCC.
Their acquisition of the FCC allowed the Brawndo Corporation to change and censor all facts concerning water, agriculture, and even basic biology without question, allowing them to make as many nonsensical changes as they wanted, including dictating that Brawndo was not only better than water, but pushing the multi-purpose slogan "Brawndo! It's got what ____ crave!" across almost every platform to make sure that Brawndo was used in all aspects of life. This eventually led to water only being used for basic plumbing, and the general populace began seeing water as something disgusting that belongs in a toilet.
Brawndo Facilities[]
A Brawndo vending machine, a common sight even in the government
As the world's most popular soft drink corporation and controller of the water and food industry, Brawndo employed over half of the population, making it a pillar for economic stability.
Bottled Brawndo
Brawndo operated countless facilities, such as factories, bottling plants and Brawndo retail outlets responsible for the production and distribution of all Brawndo products, such as soft drinks, baby formulas, water substitutes, Brawndo merch and more, with these industries helping to keep billions employed. Because of these many Brawndo-owned infrastructures, the global economy greatly depended on Brawndo due to their unchallenged industrial authority.
"Brawndo! It's got what babies crave!"
Brawndo's dominance over the economy though would come to an end following the switch from Brawndo to water for all irrigation purposes and the promotional campaign for water by secretary of the interior-turned-president, Joe Bauers, Brawndo sales plummeted, forcing the company's computers to automatically file for bankruptcy and initiate a layoff protocol which left all Brawndo workers unemployed and nearly led to an economic collapse.
With Brawndo's bankruptcy, half the nation is left unemployed
Fortunately, the sacrifice of Brawndo itself and the economic upheaval caused by the liquidation of the Brawndo Corporation was worth it in the end, as the return to the water standard promoted by Joe Bauers ensured the gradual restoration of all crops and the environment, providing a steady food supply to humanity once again and plenty of new jobs in agriculture free from Brawndo's influence.
Brawndo Car Wash[]
Brawndo Car Wash
The Brawndo Car Wash became the dominant car wash chain at some point following Brawndo's conquest of the water industry.
Brawndo Car Washes offered a seemingly identical service to the traditional car washes of the old world. However, as expected of Brawndo's greed and stupidity, these washes used Brawndo in place of water, much like every other industry that fell under the Brawndo Corporation. This "electrolyte bath," as it was advertised, proved disastrous, with cars emerging from Brawndo Car Washes sticky, with a residue that attracted dirt and grime. The salty sugary drink also lacked the cleaning power of water, leading to widespread rust and decay on vehicles.
Trivia[]
- Brawndo is a parody of the sports drink, Gatorade, and even the film's characters described Brawndo as even tasting like Gatorade.